grief - Outback Notes

Voice Note: 05/07/2026

Failure released.
Anything but neat.
Messy,
painful
failure,
How can my child be dead?
How can it be anything that my fault?
Put it down on the page.
Get the fuck out of me.
Feeling that I’ve failed as a parent.
The knowledge that I did my best with what I had.
Hardly comforting. in the situation.
I was there.
I turned up.
Fucking fought to be her dad. Fought to be in my child’s life.
I fought to have her in mine.
Now all I want to fucking do is hit rewind.
But I can’t take it back.
Everything feels so out of whack.
It’s tight.
It’s tight inside.
I feel it.
I feel it bad.
It does not want to stay in my body.
I don’t know how to live with the pain that I know you will be, when I let it out.
I did my best.
Did my best, and… Wish I could go back in time.
With what I know now.
And I don’t know if I could figure it out,
but I’d like to try somehow.
Now… now all I can do is fucking… try my best today.
And just let a little bit of it, a little bit of it out onto the paper.
Or in some other productive way.
Down deep.
In the pit of my guts.
There’s a wound.
It’s not just fucking paper cuts.
It’s deep. And wide… and it lives… buried inside.
One day.
One day.
Maybe.
It will heal.
First, I need to continue… to do my best each day, and to continue to feel…
that l pain of the perceived failure.
It doesn’t actually exist.
Pain.
Feeling those feelings, somehow trying to sit and let it be, and let it be me inside me, and outside.
And try and stay strong.
Whatever the fuck that means?
The fuck does that mean?
Keep turning up. in my life.
Stay open. Let hope in.
It’s so hard to try and navigate this space.
From this place.
Well, I wanna… keep moving forward.
Keep helping others.
And – stay inside, and fucking hide under the covers.
All at once. You know?
It’s just… so fucked up.
So mucked up, so fucking full of gunk and junk.
I know I can start.
And all I really can do.
Is open my heart and love with everything I’ve got, and know that I’m going to make it through another day… on this fucking spinning, amazing, crazy rock.

17th May 2026:

The guilt that I’m feeling as a parent who has lost their child to suicide is very hard to describe. i realised recently, that regardless of the grief i’m feeling, there is still so much guilt wanting to be released from my body. Fuck it’s hard, but i am feeling a little bit lighter each time i let a little more out. As i get further along the post-traumatic growth journey, it is also evident that I am angry for letting myself down as much as anyone else.

Guilt Trip:
First posted 15th May 2026.

i’ve been feeling the loss a bit more intensely.

pain that’s hard to describe.

sometimes it feels like i’m on tilt.

then i realised what’s hiding inside.

That fucking incessant, sneaky, bottled up guilt.

sure there’s been grief

painfully flying out through tears of relief.

but secretly hiding right there in plain sight,

sneaking around hidden just beneath

is guilt.

the guilt’s that’s been there all along,

trying hard to pretend it belongs

i know its all part of the healing process,

i know that it’s ok, that nothing is wrong

but how can i take out the parts that i no longer want?

taking a trip, through ashes of my past,

looking for those people i’ve let down

the ones i’ve treated harsh

picking up the pieces of the parts that i’ve burned

am i willing to hear the lessons i’ve learned?

taking the journey through days, weeks and years

moving through pain, resistance, through fears

and then sitting all alone on the street

and finding the one thing i didn’t expect to meet

me.

its me,

all alone, huddled and torn,

waiting to stop abandoning myself

waiting to be reborn.

wanting to put more love on my shelf

I’m the one I’ve let down,

I’m the one whose soul has been bound

how can i ever make sense of what’s lost.

how do i offset this impossible cost

maybe there is something to do

i’m trying to put myself back tougher with glue

make it back like sometign i once knew

but theres only one way to move past the doubt

gently now, don’t focus on how

just be kind to myself

find that guilt

and for fucks sake, let a little bit of it out.

Tag: grief

Failure Released

Voice Note: 05/07/2026

Guilt Trip