Failure Released

Failure released. 
Anything but neat.
Messy,
painful
failure,
How can my child be dead?
How can it be anything that my fault?
Put it down on the page.
Get the fuck out of me.
Feeling that I’ve failed as a parent. 
The knowledge that I did my best with what I had. 
Hardly comforting. in the situation.
I was there.
I turned up. 
Fucking fought to be her dad. Fought to be in my child’s life.
I fought to have her in mine.
Now all I want to fucking do is hit rewind. 
But I can’t take it back. 
Everything feels so out of whack. 
It’s tight. 
It’s tight inside. 
I feel it. 
I feel it bad. 
It does not want to stay in my body. 
I don’t know how to live with the pain that I know you will be, when I let it out. 
I did my best. 
Did my best, and… Wish I could go back in time. 
With what I know now. 
And I don’t know if I could figure it out, 
but I’d like to try somehow. 
Now… now all I can do is fucking… try my best today. 
And just let a little bit of it, a little bit of it out onto the paper. 
Or in some other productive way. 
Down deep. 
In the pit of my guts. 
There’s a wound. 
It’s not just fucking paper cuts. 
It’s deep. And wide… and it lives… buried inside. 
One day. 
One day. 
Maybe. 
It will heal. 
First, I need to continue… to do my best each day, and to continue to feel… 
that l pain of the perceived failure. 
It doesn’t actually exist. 
Pain. 
Feeling those feelings, somehow trying to sit and let it be, and let it be me inside me, and outside. 
And try and stay strong. 
Whatever the fuck that means? 
The fuck does that mean? 
Keep turning up. in my life. 
Stay open. Let hope in. 
It’s so hard to try and navigate this space. 
From this place. 
Well, I wanna… keep moving forward.
Keep helping others. 
And – stay inside, and fucking hide under the covers. 
All at once. You know? 
It’s just… so fucked up. 
So mucked up, so fucking full of gunk and junk. 
I know I can start. 
And all I really can do. 
Is open my heart and love with everything I’ve got, and know that I’m going to make it through another day… on this fucking spinning, amazing, crazy rock.