17th May 2026:
The guilt that I’m feeling as a parent who has lost their child to suicide is very hard to describe. i realised recently, that regardless of the grief i’m feeling, there is still so much guilt wanting to be released from my body. Fuck it’s hard, but i am feeling a little bit lighter each time i let a little more out. As i get further along the post-traumatic growth journey, it is also evident that I am angry for letting myself down as much as anyone else.
Guilt Trip:
First posted 15th May 2026.
i’ve been feeling the loss a bit more intensely.
pain that’s hard to describe.
sometimes it feels like i’m on tilt.
then i realised what’s hiding inside.
That fucking incessant, sneaky, bottled up guilt.
sure there’s been grief
painfully flying out through tears of relief.
but secretly hiding right there in plain sight,
sneaking around hidden just beneath
is guilt.
the guilt’s that’s been there all along,
trying hard to pretend it belongs
i know its all part of the healing process,
i know that it’s ok, that nothing is wrong
but how can i take out the parts that i no longer want?
taking a trip, through ashes of my past,
looking for those people i’ve let down
the ones i’ve treated harsh
picking up the pieces of the parts that i’ve burned
am i willing to hear the lessons i’ve learned?
taking the journey through days, weeks and years
moving through pain, resistance, through fears
and then sitting all alone on the street
and finding the one thing i didn’t expect to meet
me.
its me,
all alone, huddled and torn,
waiting to stop abandoning myself
waiting to be reborn.
wanting to put more love on my shelf
I’m the one I’ve let down,
I’m the one whose soul has been bound
how can i ever make sense of what’s lost.
how do i offset this impossible cost
maybe there is something to do
i’m trying to put myself back tougher with glue
make it back like sometign i once knew
but theres only one way to move past the doubt
gently now, don’t focus on how
just be kind to myself
find that guilt
and for fucks sake, let a little bit of it out.
