Guilt Trip

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17th May 2026:

The guilt that I’m feeling as a parent who has lost their child to suicide is very hard to describe.  i realised recently, that regardless of the grief i’m feeling, there is still so much guilt wanting to be released from my body.  Fuck it’s hard, but i am feeling a little bit lighter each time i let a little more out. As i get further along the post-traumatic growth journey, it is also evident that I am angry for letting myself down as much as anyone else.  

Guilt Trip:
First posted 15th May 2026.

i’ve been feeling the loss a bit more intensely.

pain that’s hard to describe.

sometimes it feels like i’m on tilt.

then i realised what’s hiding inside.

That fucking incessant, sneaky, bottled up guilt.

sure there’s been grief

painfully flying out through tears of relief.

but secretly hiding right there in plain sight,

sneaking around hidden just beneath

is guilt.

the guilt’s that’s been there all along,

trying hard to pretend it belongs

i know its all part of the healing process,

i know that it’s ok, that nothing is wrong

but how can i take out the parts that i no longer want?

taking a trip, through ashes of my past,

looking for those people i’ve let down

the ones i’ve treated harsh

picking up the pieces of the parts that i’ve burned

am i willing to hear the lessons i’ve learned?

taking the journey through days, weeks and years

moving through pain, resistance, through fears

and then sitting all alone on the street

and finding the one thing i didn’t expect to meet

me.

its me,

all alone, huddled and torn,

waiting to stop abandoning myself

waiting to be reborn.

wanting to put more love on my shelf

I’m the one I’ve let down,

I’m the one whose soul has been bound

how can i ever make sense of what’s lost.

how do i offset this impossible cost

maybe there is something to do

i’m trying to put myself back tougher with glue

make it back like sometign i once knew

but theres only one way to move past the doubt

gently now, don’t focus on how

just be kind to myself

find that guilt

and for fucks sake, let a little bit of it out.

Bright Spots

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bright spots shine through the clouds
joy powers forward momentum
the clouds are necessary
hanging overhead, they too are beautiful
sometimes the clouds obscure the horizon,
notice the sun shining through
highlighting the hidden beauty in life
the world lights up, even if for but a moment
regardless, the day rolls on, seasons come and go
smashing against the mountains of our humanity
time ebbs and flows
so it is.